


Tweek Kills The President

by thelotusflower



Category: South Park
Genre: Canon Compliant, Humor, Kids, M/M, This is crack, huge fucking crack, humor... it’s prob not funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:33:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27412021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelotusflower/pseuds/thelotusflower
Summary: Craig is sick of the president tweeting about his boyfriend, so he enlists the help of Cartman, Kenny, Stan, and Kyle, to help he and Tweek kill the president.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Comments: 14
Kudos: 61





	Tweek Kills The President

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jewboykahl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jewboykahl/gifts).



> I just want to say this....... is all dedicated to JEWBOYKAHL, they gave me this prompt, and also have been there for me the last 3 days to shit talk about Trump <3333333 ilysm u r the best ily forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope this made u smile
> 
> And i hope to anyone who reads this, u get some enjoyment! Life’s been rough thew

This was the last straw; Craig was tired of the slander against his boyfriend. He knows that he could use the listening tactic he learned from Heidi, but it seems almost every day President Garrison tweets something that sends Tweek into panic mode. It wouldn’t be that bad if President Garrison didn’t have some weird personal agenda against him. Ever since North Korea, he has made continuous tweets regarding his boyfriend, and Craig is  _ tired  _ of it.

This is how he finds himself outside of Eric Cartman’s door on Saturday morning, his boyfriend beside him, and a crisp $20 in hand that he received for being gay. Eric Cartman opens the door to reveal his big, fat self and wild mess of brown hair. Eric frowns at them. “What do you faggots want?” He asks.

“We want you and your asshole friends to help us assassinate the president.”

Eric barely flinches in reaction, but does bring a hand up to his chin to scratch. Tweek jitters beside him; he already consumed three cups of coffee this morning and he has only been up two hours. 

“What’s in it for me?” 

“We will give you $20… to split.”

“ _ Okay…  _ you do have my attention now… please come in,” Cartman pushes the door open wider.

Tweek and Craig walk inside, and Mr. Kitty immediately greets them by rubbing his head against their ankles. Craig thinks the cat is cute but he refuses to acknowledge it out of loyalty to Stripe. Tweek, however, the traitor, kneels down and pets the cat.

“Okay… so…. if you just want to give me that $20 now… we can get into business.”

“No way. I know how you assholes are. I give it to you after we’re done.”

“God, Craig, you’re such an asshole.”

“He isn’t an asshole!” Tweek yells suddenly, stepping up from petting Mr. Kitty. He glares and frowns at Eric. “You’re the asshole.”

“Jesus, fuck… you fags are annoying…,” Eric shakes his head, and sighs. He pulls his phone out of his sweatshirt pocket. “We will have to discuss payment further… but just let me tell you, dealing with me is a lot easier than dealing with that Jew, Kyle.”

“ACK! Stop being anti-Semitic, you  _ dumb,  _ fat ass!” Tweek yells again, grabbing the ends of his hair.

“Hey, you came to  _ me!  _ Show some respect!” Eric shouts back. He turns his head to Craig. “Control your boyfriend, Craig.”

Craig flips Eric off before turning to his boyfriend. He pulls his boyfriend’s hand away from pulling out all his hair. “Honey, it’s okay… When Kyle gets here, he will make sure Cartman shuts up.”

Craig holds his boyfriend’s hand and links their fingers together. Tweek smiles. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Within the next ten minutes, the rest of the assholes show up to Eric’s house and they begin to plan the scheme. They will take Tweek’s bazooka to the White House and take him out. Tweek will be the one to do it.

The only problem is that the assholes are whiny little bastards.

“You totally owe us more than $20, dude,” Stan says. “You guys get money all the time — you probably make like $20 a  _ day.” _

“ _ Yeah,  _ you guys could be a little less cheap.”

“You fucking owe me $100, remember?” Craig rolls his eyes with a sigh.

“Craig, that was like  _ so  _ long ago, you need to get over that,” Eric says.

Craig rolls his eyes  _ again  _ and sighs deeply. “Fine! We will give you $40!”

Craig glares at his boyfriend. “Man, dude, who cares — we have way more than that.”

“It’s not about the money — I just hate them.”

“We’re right next to you, you fucking asshole!” Stan yells.

Craig shrugs and glances at them. “So?” 

“Who fucking cares?” Kenny says. “$10 each? That sounds like a good deal.”

“Fucking Kenny — you’re just poor. A dime seems like a lot to you,” Eric says. “We  _ demand _ $15 each, or we are not doing it,” Eric crosses his arm over his chest.

“ _ Fine,”  _ Craig groans. “But let’s just fucking do it already.”

  
  
  


The boys travel to Washington DC, Tweek's bazooka in hand, along with Kenny’s ninja stars, Craig’s laser eyes, Kyle’s knife, Stan’s gun he brought from the local gun shop, and Cartman’s summoning of Cthulhu.

When they break into the White House, Kenny immediately gets shot, but the rest make it to the Oval Office, taking out any secret service that blocks them. 

After killing nearly everyone in the White House and encountering President Garrison, he pleads with them.

“Please! I never tweeted at Tweek. I don’t even have  _ Twitter —  _ I don’t know what that  _ is!” _

“What the  _ fuck!”  _ Tweek screams. “You’ve tweeted at me eighty seven times in the past  _ month!” _

“No! Fake news! It’s all lies — it wasn’t me. It’s fake news. They are lying to you.”

“They were your tweets, man!”

“Tweets? Tweets! Let me tell you about tweets… look Tweets! Tweets are complicated. They happen. No one knows where they come from — they just  _ appear.  _ It’s no one’s fault!”

“ARGH! IT’S YOUR FUCKING FAULT, MAN!” Tweek screams, eyes shut. “THEY ARE YOUR TWEETS UNDER YOUR TWITTER PAGE!”

“I’m framed! It’s not me! You don’t have any idea what you’re talking bout, kid —,”

And then Tweek shoots him with the bazooka, and his body goes flying through the Oval Office window, blood flying everywhere and glass shattering. Craig looks at his boyfriend. They both smile at each other and hug.

The world silences for a moment, the peace settling upon them.

Until, Eric says, “alright — so since Kenny’s dead, you have to give us his portion… I just hope you know this.”

“I don’t know,” Kyle says suddenly. “I kind of feel bad. I think I might have learned something today… maybe we should let America choose who their president is, and not kill their choice.”

“Are you fucking serious, dude?” Stan looks at his best friend. “Fuck that! Garrison  _ sucked,  _ and America is stupid as shit.”

Kyle frowns and thinks about it a moment. “ _ Yeah _ , you’re right,” Kyle nods. “I just feel like we usually learn something.”

Tweek and Craig smile at each other. Craig clears his throat, “well, here’s your lesson — you owed me $100. I owed you guys $40. $100 minus $40 is $60… so you still owe me $60.”

Craig and Tweek laugh together.

“You fucking fag assholes!” Eric yells. “You owe us that money!”

“Yeah,” Stan says, “you guys  _ are  _ assholes, you can’t do this to us!”

Then, in that moment, Jesus appears to them, in midst of the blood and shattered glass. At first the boys are afraid. They just killed a ton of people, and that does not seem very Christian-like, but then Jesus congratulates them. They notice that Kenny appears beside him, with angel wings and a halo. Although they cannot see his mouth, they can tell he is smiling.

“Actually, they are  _ not  _ assholes. These boys saved the whole world by assassinating the president.” Jesus says. “If he stayed alive, there would be a civil war, which eventually would lead to a nuclear war, wiping out the entirety of humanity.” He puts a hand on both of the couple’s shoulders. “Because of these two brave gay boys, the world is saved.”

“We helped too! What the fuck? Why do they get all the credit?”

“It was these two gay boys’ idea.”

“We fucking helped — what the  _ fuck!” _ Eric yells.

“They did help,” Tweek shrugs. 

“Fine, whatever,” Craig says. “I guess.”

“Okay — well, then, all of you are  _ heroes.  _ Congratulations. In order to thank you, we will have a huge rave up in heaven.”

“WooHoo!” Angel Kenny exclaims.

  
  


Jesus brings the boys to heaven for the rest of the afternoon, where they celebrate the death of the president, and preservation of humanity. Craig spends the afternoon with his boyfriend, happy to see that he is not in panic mode. He is finally in peace, and that makes Craig  _ so  _ happy.


End file.
